crazy

Two mentions today of my blog and lack of postings. Luckily, I've been living life and growing a new baby which makes one considerably tired. I knew I had some unpublished thoughts on here so I'm posting this that I wrote September 29, 2009, after Jellybean was born.
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I wish I were crazy. A break with reality would be easier sometimes. Don't get me wrong -- I've come to accept where I am in my life right now. But for months after Jacob died, I wished I would go crazy. If my mind could only go to an alternate reality where everything was still ok.

Now I dream of a different reality - where I have all three kids together. They all pile into our bed on Saturday mornings. They roll around and mess up the beds while I am trying to change the sheets and jump into the pillows piled on the floor. The house is loud and crazy all the time. Jacob wants to play outside as soon as he wakes up. His best friend is also five years old and lives next door. He started school this year and is so cute in his blue polo and khaki shorts with his blond hair. How hectic would my life be with three? I'd be tired, but I'd be happy.

So I wait to be old and secretly hope I'll lose my mind and live in the alternate reality where I have all three children with me and watch them all grow up. Until then, I find the idea of Armageddon or the apocalypse not so frightening just so my family can all be together.